Eagles-Giants 9/17/2006

I've been an Eagles fan my entire life, and I've always blamed myself for their failures. I also take quite a bit of credit for their successes. Today, I watched with joy, elation, concern, and finally horror, as they blew a big lead and lost to the hated New York Giants. I feel like I didn't really do everything I could have in order to ensure the victory. On the one hand, my authentic David Akers jersey has never been washed, and will never taste the tang of detergent. That's a good thing; critical for the team's success. You must NEVER wash your lucky jersey. On the other hand, I have a sneaking suspicion that I was wearing the wrong pants for the game, thus leading to the team's 4th quarter collapse. I cannot yet prove this theory, and it is still just that - a theory. The only way to properly test it is to not wear any pants while watching next week's game. However, there are many more variables involved, of which pants are only one (albeit a very important one, I believe). Thus I have created an Excel spreadsheet model of my Game Impact Theory (GIT) with a built-in macro which will automatically update wardrobe variations; seating position; pre-game meals; number of visits to the bathroom; TV volume levels; friends/family members or animals in the room during the game; locale of viewing; announcers; good/bad hair day; my personal well being (illness or injuries); flavor of chewing gum enjoyed before or during game; songs stuck in head; angle of light entering roommate's bedroom window at kickoff; total cost of most recent cell phone bill; number of socks washed in last load of laundry; and many, many others. It's possible I'll have to quit my job to get to the bottom of this. But by the end of the football season I will have answered one of the oldest questions in sports: Why do I have such a strong effect on the outcome of all the games I watch?