Blue Man Group - What the F@*k?

Have you ever stopped to think about Blue Man Group, and the serious consequences their existence has on our society, and the world as a whole? The Blue Men have been entertaining an ever-growing fan base for over 15 years. For those not familiar with the Blue Man Group, allow me an attempt to explain succinctly, yet vividly.

Yeah. This guy's totally fine to babysit the kids.

The Blue Man Group is, in essence, 3 totally mute, totally crazy guys who paint their heads (and possibly the rest of their bodies as well) with bright, shiny blue paint. I suspect the paint is lead-based, judging by the group's behavior during the show. They also don blue gloves (so as not to get paint absolutely everywhere) and black sweatsuits. Very unromantic. Very utilitarian.

In any case, the blue paint provides a tough, glistening outer coating, without which, this performance art trio would simply be known as White Man Group. Or perhaps just Man Group.

Why have audiences been fascinated by this terrifyingly bizarre-looking threesome of bald, hairless aliens? They splatter paint on each other, beat plastic pipes with sticks, swallow and regurgitate billiard balls, waste extraordinary amounts of paper, and occasionally flail like seizure victims to a techno beat.

I have no answer.

Of greater interest is what was going on in the minds of the creators of Blue Man Group when they originally decided to paint their heads blue, and scare little children and adults alike. Did the birth-of-Blue-Man conversation go something like this?

Blue Man 1- Dude, pass me that bottle of vodka.

Blue Man 2- It's almost empty.

Blue Man 1- I don't care. Give it.

Blue Man 2- I can't believe we drank the whole bottle, dudes.

Blue Man 1- And those four other bottles of vodka.

Blue Man 2- Yeah. Totally.

Blue Man 3- Whoa, I'm starting to see shit.

Blue Man 1- What do you mean bro?

Blue Man 3- It's like, starbursts and lollipops and fireworks.

Blue Man 2- What is he talking about?

Blue Man 1- No idea.

Blue Man 2- Wait. What's that bottle of wood varnish doing there behind him?

Blue Man 1- Oh man! It's like half empty. He must have drank it or snorted it or something!

Blue Man 2- Give it!

Blue Man 1- What are you gonna do?....No way! Isn't it like poisonous or some shit like that?

Blue Man 2- Yuck. It tastes stone-cold nasty. But whoa dude. It totally messes with my head.

Blue Man 1- Let me try. I'm gonna take a huge whiff.

Blue Man 2- Oh dude!!!! Your face is totally turning blue! If you gotta puke, take it to the kitchen sink or out the window or something.

And thus Blue Man Group was born. They then went on to become the completely inarticulate spokespeople of Intel, for which they are perhaps best known. So how can Blue Man Group refresh and invigorate their act for the 21st century? For those of us who associate them with Intel's microprocessors, they really need to up the ante a bit. Those selfsame Intel processors are used to produce the most amazing special effects ever witnessed (see Transformers). And paint flinging, tennis-ball-spitting, bald and blue freaks simply won't meet our entertainment expectations any longer.

Here are a few suggestions to liven things up:

- More blood. Much more blood. Here's something the American public can never get enough of. We want to know if these guys bleed blue, as many of us suspect. On a separate note, many have wondered whether they pee blue as well. But this is a bit of a prickly thing to demonstrate to an audience without drawing the attention of the police. That could somehow be a good segue to introducing more blood into the show. And nothing fills seats like a live police shootout.

- More wildlife. Also all blue. Shaved dogs covered in blue paint, shaved cats, monkeys, and squirrels all dipped in a complete coating of shiny blue.

- More dangerous tricks. I'd like to see them juggle chainsaws, and I know I'm not the only one. It would also be fun if one of the Blue Men tried to assassinate the others. Or two teamed up on a third. The beauty of the anonymity of being covered in blue paint is that the performers are completely replaceable. If one expires, there is a blue army waiting to replace him.

- Add some blue women. Come on. It's 2007. Women are allowed to vote and go to college. Why shouldn't they also be allowed to shave their heads, paint themselves blue and become mute? Not every little girl wants to grow up to be a doctor or lawyer.

Instead of paint, maybe Blueman Group should use blood. Preferably their own.

I should mention that I went to see the Blue Man Group perform a couple of years ago. And it was pretty entertaining. Even so, those guys really are bigtime freaks.