Another Letter To My Fantasy Football Quarterback

I sent a letter to my fantasy football QB (Drew Brees, New Orleans Saints) last week, in hopes of psyching him up for the season opener on Thursday night. Well guess what? He had a lousy game. Hopefully the worst is over. But I still feel the need to voice my disappointment:

Drew,

What the hell happened? You threw for less than 200 yards, with zero touchdowns and 2 interceptions! Was this some kind of cruel and unusual joke? Not a good start to the season. Not good at all. Some might call that performance "bad". But in fantasy football terms, it's more of a "stinking-atrocious-bloody-mess." Perhaps you were just shaking off the rust. A result of endless offseason summer nights in Tahiti, topless beaches, and bottomless margaritas. I guess I understand. And I do appreciate your throwing one pass to yourself during the first half. You only gained 1 or 2 yards on the play, but at least you took a small portion of my last message to heart. Unfortunately, the whole point didn't seem to come across. I said, "throw more touchdown passes to yourself." That would necessitate your being somewhere near the end zone when said pass was thrown to you, by you. Not on your own 20 yard line! What do you think's going to happen? You throw the ball with the aim to get it batted back into your face. Good job. But now what? At this point, you catch it, make a few jukes. Left. Right. Spin move. Double axle. Whatever. And then streak down the sideline for an 80 yard touchdown? Drew, you're not that fast. By the looks of it, you're not much faster than I am. And I'm not very fast at all. It's true that I'm a very fast eater, a quick learner, and an above average typist, but I'm not a fast runner. I'll outrun small children and people on crutches, under most track conditions. But that's about it.

So yes, I'm disappointed. I can now only pray that my fantasy opponent's quarterback also has a terrible outing this week. Vince Young of the Tennessee Titans, I hereby curse you!!

I'm not going to ask "What the hell happened?" again, because the real reasons behind your poor performance probably have a lot to do with some inscrutable defensive schemes, of which I couldn't really comprehend. And then there was that one defensive back on the Colts who has some kind of supernatural cloaking ability. So you threw the ball right to him. Twice. Because you didn't even know he was there. But still, what were all those dinky chicken-shit passes for 4 or 5 yards each, during the rest of the game? We need to see you air it out, throw it deep. To your teammates.

Next week you play Tampa Bay. I fully expect you to rebound. If you don't, you can anticipate another letter. A real harangue this time. I don't want to make you cry, Drew. But if it's for the good of the fantasy team, I will not hold back. You will feel the force and fury of my words. And I may, in fact, hurt you with those words. So, for your own sake, have a better game next week.

Warmest Regards,

During these troubling times,

To you and yours,

With best wishes for a brighter tomorrow,

And please throw 4 touchdowns next week,

I'm not joking this time,

I want the old Drew back,

Your fantasy manager,


- The Mill