How Fast Am I, Really?

I enjoy a nice jog about town every now and again. And although I wouldn't really call myself a "Runner" or "Jogging enthusiast", for the past few months I've tried to make a habit of suiting up and hitting the asphalt somewhere between one and five times per week. The theory goes something like this - the more I run, the more beer I can drink and pasta I can eat without getting fat. It's true, after all: calories consumed minus calories burned = weight gained. So, the more calories you burn (by running, chopping wood, strong man competitions, etc.), the more you can eat. Get it? Another popular saying is, "Don't drink beer while you run. Wait until you're done." And, "Run a thousand miles. Drink a thousand beers. Live a thousand years." However you phrase it, it's all part of living a healthy lifestyle.

But perhaps more importantly than the healthfulness of it all, is the fact that I feel good about myself when going for a run. And even more importantly than that, is that I feel FAST when I run. Of course, by definition, running is faster than walking. So no surprise there. But I'm a rather brisk walker. Therefore you can only imagine how quick I am at a trot or full gallop. Once I lace up those Asics, hike up those shorts, and lock myself out of the apartment because I always forget to bring the right key, I'm ready to go! And it's ALWAYS a race when I'm out on the trail/sidewalk, except that no one else knows we're racing. That's the way I prefer it. Makes it much easier to win.

Some examples of how fast I think I am:

1) I once chased down a bunny rabbit at the New York Botanical Gardens, and almost grabbed him! Right Jaimi? You were witness to that incredible feat of speed and agility. Those little bunnies are wicked fast!


2) The other day, I was running along the East River....fast. I actually caught up with and overtook two bikers, speeding past them with a slight pause and look over the shoulder, as if to say, "You've been officially dusted by the Mill. Congratulations...losers." It may be worth mentioning that one of the riders was a 4 year old girl with training wheels - she only bogged down her poor mother. It may have been a close contest had the mother not been figuratively tethered to her literally slow child.

3) I ran the 4 x 100m relay in 6th grade. One time while I was warming up for a race, sprinting back and forth across a patch of grass, someone nearby said, while pointing at me,"He's not very fast at all." This comment was clearly due to pure, distilled jealousy of my incredible speed.

4) A few years back, I was pulled over by the New Jersey State Police for traveling in excess of 90 mph in a 65 mph zone. The trooper approached me, and asked for my license and registration. Then he looked me dead in the eye and said "Do you know how cotton-pickin' fast you were goin'?", and then a few moments later (when he got to the line on the ticket where you have to fill in the license plate number), "Jesus, Mary and Joseph!! Where's your car, son?" That's right. I got a ticket for traveling at or above highway speeds....without a car.

This trooper had his radar gun aimed squarely at my back as I sprinted by. I didn't stand a chance. The ticket was 350 bucks :-(

So if you're out for a nice healthful jog and you catch a glimpse of me over your shoulder, bearing down on you, arms pumping furiously, face beet-red, legs all a-blur - do me a favor and slow down a bit. Let me run past you. I know I'm fast, but I really need the extra affirmation. Please help me out if you would. Besides, the cool breeze left in my wake will probably refresh you as I bolt by. So we both win, in a sense.