Brooklyn, Ho! The Hunt Begins For A New Apartment

Jaimi and I are looking for an apartment right now. Our intended move-in date of April 1st gives us some time, but I’m a true believer in the well-known adage “The early dog eats all the pie.”

So I’m gonna try to find me some tasty pie as soon as possible.

Our target area is Brooklyn, with a fine laser focus on the Dumbo and Brooklyn Heights neighborhoods. Why are we leaving the safe confines of Manhattan far behind? Okay, maybe not so far behind - I just looked at a place about 1.8 miles away from where I currently live.

First of all, you get a lot more space for the money. In Manhattan, you’d be lucky to get a 500 square foot studio apartment for under $2,000/month. That’s $120 per square foot for the year. It’s nuts.

In Brooklyn, although not cheap by any stretch of the imagination, you can get a decent apartment in a decent area with decently recent renovations for about $50 per square foot. Of course, you’ll have to walk an extra block or two to locate the nearest Starbucks.

Also keep in mind there are going to be two of us living in this apartment. Of course, I need extra space for my gun collection, and my display of 12th century suits of armor (including several suits of horse armor). These things take up crazy amounts of space.

Second reason we’re considering the move out of Manhattan - high blood pressure. I can feel my veins strain with increased internal tension every time a crushing crowd forces me into the wrong subway car, or pins me against a parking meter.

My ears get hot to the touch. My heart flutters. I see stars. My breathing becomes quick and shallow. My adrenal glands spark into action. The fight or flight instinct is activated. And this is just what happens when I wait in line for the ATM. Imagine what I feel like during the rush hour commute.

Perhaps I’m being overly dramatic. But there’s something to be said for walking down the street on a Saturday afternoon, and not having to make like you’re LaDainian Tomlinson slicing through the opposing defense.

Ladainian trots down to the corner grocery store for a Klondike bar and a pack of cigarettes.

If you didn’t give your fellow Manhattan sidewalkers a little shake ‘n bake, sprinkle in a few spin moves and sidesteps, then you’d most likely walk smack into the chiseled chest of exactly the wrong guy. If you’re not alert and on your toes, you could be in for a real ass whooping.

I'm long overdue for an ass-kicking, so I'm not about to tempt fate anymore than she's already tempted.

So why not avoid that eventuality altogether with a hop across the East River? And you get to settle into a nice, spacious apartment at a relatively reasonable price to boot.

As I already mentioned, we’re not going to move until April 1st, so we have a some time to find the right place. This odyssey has just begun.

I’ll keep you updated as we once again navigate the New York City rental market - a battlefield strewn with rejected rental applications, misleading apartment listings, and shady real estate brokers. Wish us luck.

In the meantime, if anyone knows of a 1,500 square foot, 2-bedroom duplex, stainless-steel-smothered kitchen, marble bath (with whirlpool Japanese soaking tub), private terrace, doorman, elevator, fitness center, concierge, bike storage, close to subways, convenient to restaurants and shopping, no broker fee, one month free rent, celebrities in the penthouse, non-haunted, dogs allowed (up to 180 pounds), Pinkberry and Starbucks in the basement, under $3000/month, luxury apartment with April 1st availability, then please give me a heads up. I’d consider checking it out.

Artist's rendition of the view from my ideal Brooklyn apartment. Notice you can see Hawaii from the living room. I'll need to find an upper floor unit with southern exposure.

Thanks.