A Letter To Hillary Clinton - Urgent Advice

(With one debate remaining and Barack Obama gaining momentum in Ohio and Texas, it’s time for Hillary Clinton to think of some new strategies. Otherwise, she’s got no chance in hell. It’s too bad really, because if she were elected, Bill would make sure that place was like a 24-hour discotech. Anyway, here’s a letter I wrote to her, offering my advice on her current campaign situation.)

Dear Hillary,

I felt the urgent need to write you immediately after your landslide loss in Hawaii. Time is of the essence. You need to change your tack, and I believe I can help. But there isn’t a nanosecond to waste. We’ve already squandered enough precious time and energy on your current strategy. Zero hour is upon us.

By the way, sorry I’ve waited several days to send this letter. I had laundry to do, and “Lost” was on Thursday night, and then one of my friends was in town for a few days and we went to dinner, and also I had a few eBay auctions to pay attention to.

Back to the critical topic at hand: Your message just isn’t striking the soft underbelly of the electorate. This is a big problem for you.

The view from my high horse shows me that change is coming. And its name is not you.

Your ass is being handed to you on a platter – and not a nice sterling silver platter. No, this is more like one of those tacky, clear plastic trays that you might find at an event catered by Dunkin Donuts.

The bottom line is, Hillary, your prospects don’t look so groovy right now.

That being said (and being painfully obvious to everyone including yourself), I don’t think you should give up. After all, there’s always a chance your message could finally break through to the masses; or that the good people of Ohio and Texas will mobilize for Team Hillary, and rejuvenate your ailing campaign.

Or, maybe fancy-free Obama will say the f-word during your final debate – with the cameras rolling. Or perhaps he’ll call you the dreaded b-word (buxom?) in front of a national audience. Highly unlikely, but not impossible.

On the other hand, I guess it’s possible for you to gather some momentum and win the nomination without any Obama screw-ups.

Nah. Just kidding. We need to take some drastic measures.

Hillary, get him to choke you.

Baiting Barack to call you a nasty name is a fantastic strategy. But my idea is even more profoundly advantageous for your campaign.

How far would voter sentiment swing towards your side if you really called him out on charges of plagiarism, and he started to choke you during the next debate?

Now, Barack Obama is no Bobby Knight. And you’re no college basketball player. We’d be much more likely to see Bobby choke Barack – although with Obama’s sweet baseline jumper, and his excellent work ethic, even that seems like a long shot.

Barack Obama: A basketball player Bobby Knight would not have wanted to choke.

Bobby Knight: Likely to choke someone.
Barack Obama: Not likely to choke someone.

So it may be an incredible challenge for you to make him rip-roaring mad. And this is where I leave it to you. You can do this. If anyone can, it’s you Hillary.

Of course, the last thing I want to see is any physical injury to you or any other candidate. Don’t worry though. Any security detail or debate moderator could easily pull Barack’s angry hands from your throat. He’s a pretty scrawny guy. Even Wolf Blitzer could take him down, if necessary. You yourself could probably get him off of you, and into some type of leg lock or arm bar.

So you won’t get hurt. Guaranteed.

I fear that, aside from the extreme actions described above, your chances are slim. Maybe even less than slim. We’re talking iPod Nano slim.

You gotta act fast, my friend.

Best of luck, Hill. No consulting fees will be charged to your campaign for this valuable advice.


- The Mill