......MYSELF ELIGIBLE FOR THE 2008 NBA DRAFT.
For all of you NBA scouts reading this blog - I know you're out there - I promise to sign with any team who chooses me. I won't pull any crybaby prima donna shit and hold out for a better deal. To that, I swear on my neighbor's eyes. You have my word. And you can have his eyes.
So with a little less than 3 months before the actual draft, I thought this would be a great time to give you (the NBA scouts reading this) some of my credentials - the stuff listed on the back of my basketball trading card, if you will.
- I'm six feet tall, about 180 pounds. I have pretty well-defined arches, and can run 5 miles in less than 45 minutes.
Got your attention yet?
- I can do 25 push-ups in a row, and possess a 72-inch wingspan (just a guess).
- I also own a 14-inch vertical leap.
Piqued your interest?
- Not only do I have slightly above-average endurance, but I'm physically stronger than most children - and by children, I mean those under 10 years of age.
- Now that I've got your undivided curiosity, I should also mention that I have four full years of college basketball eligibility remaining - so my legs are still fresh. Incredibly fresh.
- I'm also quite neat, and would keep the area around my locker very clean and tidy.
- I shower quickly, and would thus not be a burden on the local water system of my NBA team.
- I know how to juggle, and would be happy to teach my teammates in order to keep the mood in the clubhouse happy and lighthearted.
- I'm also pretty good at science and math, so I could tutor the coaches' kids, and help them with homework during off days.
- I will happily accept the NBA minimum salary of $442,114 for the 2008-09 season. I will seriously consider a 1 year contract, with no signing bonus.
- I have a very small carbon footprint. Just like the Toyota Prius, you can feel good about buying me because I'll do less damage to the environment than many other humans.
- I have a ridiculous baseline jumpshot.
- When it comes to fighting for rebounds in the paint, I'm nothing but a flurry of elbows.
- And finally, I can bring my own sneakers.
I honestly think the Knicks could use me at Shooting Guard, or Power Forward. But I would also play for the Sixers, Nets, Celtics, Wizards, Hornets, Heat, or any other team in the NBA.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
I HEREBY DECLARE.....
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