Poor, Poor Olympic Torch

(Warning: What follows is a highly sophisticated and erudite analysis of the Chinese government's human rights abuse and the geopolitical consequences as witnessed by recent demurrals against passage of the Olympic Torch through non-Chinese territories. Also, David Archuleta is AWESOME!!!!!)

Hey hippie protesters, what did the Olympic Torch ever do to you? Let that flame be!!

This beautiful flame represents physical fitness, obscure and unusual sports, and historically declining television ratings. It has nothing to do with the oppression, injustice, violence and human rights abuses of the Chinese government.

A member of Liechtenstein's 2008 Ladies' Olympic Candle Pin Bowling Team, running through the streets of Liechtenstein's capital - Liechtenstein.

If you want to do some protesting about all that stuff, go to China!! Don't clog up our streets and try to tackle the guy or girl in the tracksuit holding the torch.

Actually, to be entirely accurate, the Olympic flame represents Prometheus's theft of fire from Zeus - thus delivering the gift of fire to the human race. He was punished by being chained to a rock, and having his liver or brain eaten by birds or dogs on a daily basis - or something like that. I'm sure you're familiar with the tale.

Ridiculous story? Yes. But it shows how prescient Zeus was. He knew that we would eventually turn that gift of fire into an absolute shit storm - resulting in burned out warehouses, acres of scorched forests, that awful smell of burnt hair, and the McRib sandwich.

True story? Perhaps. The liver (or brain) does regenerate to a certain extent. And birds (or dogs) absolutely LOVE liver (or brain). In any case, I'll be waiting for Mythbusters to bust this one before completely dismissing it.

Actual, original daguerreotype of Prometheus escaping from Zeus with fire in hand. Myth? Perhaps not.

I guess my point is that fire has been a great gift, delivered to the human race many, many years ago. We should cherish that gift.

I realize that most of these protests aren't really about the Olympic flame - the Chinese government can be real assholes to their own people, and that makes many hippies mad.

But it also makes me mad. I hate assholes who put innocent people in dungeons and/or run them over with tanks. It's just not cool.

But don't blame the flame.