Surviving the Heat Wave

URGENT WEATHER MESSAGE - NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE UPTON, NY

HEAT ADVISORY:

HIGH PRESSURE OVER THE WESTERN ATLANTIC WILL CONTINUE TO BRING HIGH TEMPERATURES AND HUMIDITY INTO THE REGION TODAY.

DRINK PLENTY OF FLUIDS. ICED TEA IS DELICIOUS.

STAY INDOORS AT ALL TIMES. WEAR WET TOWELS ON YOUR HEAD WHILE STANDING IN FRONT OF AN AIR CONDITIONER, OR SUBMERGE YOUR BODY IN A TUB OF ICE.

IF YOU MUST GO OUTDOORS, GET YOUR AFFAIRS IN ORDER BEFOREHAND - I.E., BE PREPARED TO DIE.

CHECK ON THE ELDERLY EARLY AND OFTEN TO ENSURE THEY ARE STILL ALIVE. ALSO, THEY PROBABLY HAVE SOME ICE CREAM IN THE BACK OF THEIR FREEZER. HELP YOURSELF. AT THE VERY LEAST, THEY SHOULD KNOW ENOUGH TO CRACK A WINDOW AND TURN ON THE FAN. IF NOT, DON'T BLAME YOURSELF.

And so on and so forth.

The New York metro area is currently in the midst of a mini heat wave. New Yorkers are in for one hot and sticky weekend.

And how to best deal with it? Besides going for a brisk run in the 95 degree heat?

All I can manage, really, is to sit here in my apartment, with the A/C dial turned up to the "Initiate Snowfall" setting. Sure, my carbon footprint just got a whole lot bigger. But at least I'm prolonging my own life by staying in a 58 degree apartment.

And when I'm not in the apartment during this heat wave, I'll be in the frigid office, or my frosty car, or the chilly train – thus extending my life even further.

Allow me to explain.

I believe that in this modern age of climate control, all the time we spend in air-conditioned offices, movie theaters, supermarkets, etc. helps preserve our skin and organs, slow our metabolism, and generally keep us alive longer than ever before.

If you're skeptical of my pseudo-science, then join me in the following thought experiment.

Imagine a hunk of red meat in the fridge. It's nice and cold and fresh. Ready for the barbecue.

But instead of a charcoal grill, you take that dream meat and slap it down onto an imaginary white-hot sidewalk, in the blazing sun, during a hypothetical New York heat wave.

Leave it there for 2 or 3 virtual hours. You may want to set up an imaginary beach chair and umbrella, and stand guard over the meat. An imaginary dog could easily ruin this thought exercise.

Now, go take a whiff of that nasty hot meat. Not exactly cooked, not exactly raw, and certainly not something you'd want to eat.

See where I'm going with this?

Your body is that nasty piece of meat.

It's a near-perfect analogy.

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