Whole Foods - A Fantasy Food Land

Whole Foods - a true marvel of modern American society. The birthplace of the organic grocery movement, and the home of the sixty-dollar single grocery bag purchase.

I recently visited the SoHo store, at Houston and Bowery, for maybe the tenth time. But it was the first time that I was able to locate the Whole Foods beer store.

It’s an entire wing dedicated to so many of the finest beers in the world. The selection is dizzying. Hundreds upon hundreds of beers you’ve never heard if, and never tried before.

This is, like, 1% of the overall beer selection at Whole Foods. It's ricockulous.

I was like a kid in a beer store.

Plus, you can get yourself a growler, and fill it up with the fresh draft beer of your choice. They usually have 5 or 6 taps to choose from.

Sweet beer flowing from six sparkling, splendid fountains, amidst a microbrewed garden of luminously labeled brown bottles. Simply amazing.

At first, I thought I was dreaming. Then I assumed I had died and gone to heaven. Finally, when the total came to $38 - for a six-pack and a growler - I knew I was in New York City.

But still, I can’t get enough of this place. And not just for the beer, although that’s definitely a highlight.

The cheese. The prepared foods. The deli. The fruits and vegetables. The seafood. The incredible selection of fresh birds’ eggs - ostrich, quail, duck, pheasant, squirrel, etc.

The floor is cleaner than your face after a spa beauty treatment.

Quite simply, there’s no other place like it. And the advertisements don’t do it justice. They don’t convey the true Whole Foods message.

So here’s my attempt to rectify that advertising shortfall.

- The Mill’s Top 5 Whole Foods Slogans of 2008 -

Whole Foods: “The epitome of conspicuous consumption.”

Whole Foods: “Sticking it in the eye of second and third-world nations.”

“One pound kobe beef filet - $87.95. Ostrich egg and white truffles - $95.50. Breast of California Condor - $175.99. Being able to buy all of this overtly decadent food in one fabulous store – priceless.”

Whole Foods: “If you don’t know the definitions of “free-range,” “organic,” and “line-caught,” don’t even bother.”

Whole Foods: “We got more gourmet cheeses than the Bible’s got psalms.”

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