Lehman Brothers – Put a Fork in Them

I’m no prognosticator, and would never claim to be one. I simply read stuff on the internet and believe whatever it says.

So, it looks like Lehman Brothers is going under. That’s the latest. And that’s no prediction. It’s pretty much a sure thing, according to The New York Times.

Say goodbye to the Lehman Brothers and their sisters, uncles, cousins, stepchildren, or pets - they’ll all be headed to a nice new sub-development in Lower Default County, known as Bankruptcy Meadow Lane. Features include a putting green, heated pool, fitness center, and on-site entrance to Hell.

What should outsiders think of all this hubbub? What should us non-financialized, regular folk think about this 158 year-old Wall Street institution falling apart?

I think we should continue to watch “Gossip Girl,” and/or Monday Night Football, and proceed with our lives as if nothing bad has happened. I mean, it’s not like Starbucks went out of business. Best Buy is still around. Target seems to be doing fine. And I just checked Amazon and eBay – both still open for business.

So, my advice – don’t worry your pretty little head about a thing. And as I’ve always said in every single situation that warrants any sort of critical thought or analysis: “It all comes out in the wash.”

And let’s just leave it at that. Because it will all come out in the wash eventually, and that’s such a fun way to think about this whole financial crisis.

Sure, it will be a huge-ass bitch of a load - an incredibly soiled load of three-piece suits, caked and crusted with years of greed and bad decisions. Vomit, red wine, beef gravy, and probably even a little urine, all embedded deep within the fine Italian wool fibers.

Casual Friday light linen pants profoundly stained with dark chocolate and cigarette burns. Might as well throw those the hell away.

And whatever’s kept and rehabilitated, will take years of scrubbing, and soaking before even being considered by consignment shops. Thousands of quarters will be wasted on hundreds and hundreds of automatic wash cycles.

God forbid one of the washing machines eats a quarter - or if they’re using one of those Smart cards, that the little chip doesn’t wear out, and give an error every time it’s inserted into the slot. That’s happened to me when I had like 18 bucks left on the card. It totally blows, because you know the customer service of the company that makes the cards is going to tell you to call the manager of the facility, who’s going to tell you to contact the washing machine manufacturer. And none of them can authorize any sort of refund.

Bullshit.

But of course, this is all just a stupid analogy for the current financial crisis. These guys from Merrill, and Lehman, and Bear Stearns, don’t actually walk around in suits encrusted with old food and bodily fluids - at least not most of them. However, they have left quite an awful mess to clean up.

I, for one, am going to let tomorrow night's Cowboys-Eagles game wash away all the worry. It promises to be a real barn burner. Or bank burner, as the case may be.

Go Birds!!!

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