The Phillies Are My Phavorite

The Wall Street meltdown/bailout, Presidential election, Hurricane Ike, war in Iraq, iPhone vs. Google phone, Tom Brady's knee, North Korea acting uppity again, impending recession/depression.

This isn't a verse from a Billy Joel song. No, it's all going on right now.

And all of these calamities have almost made me forget that my phavorite baseball team is in the playoffs: The Philadelphia Phillies. They're playing the mighty Brewers of Milwaukee right now in a best-of-five divisional series.

After that, they'll play the winner of the Dodgers-Cubs series, and then head to the World Series - where they'll mop the floor with either the Red Sox, White Sox, Tampa Bay Rays, or the Angels. It's a foregone conclusion. Mark my words, Red Sox bitches.

Of course, they can't choose their World Series opponent. But they can choose how badly they're going to beat them. You see, the 2008 Philllies are a group of all-powerful man-gods - sort of like Hercules., but with better endorsement deals.

I believe they'll show a bit of mercy, and win the Fall Classic in 6 games. Phillies closer Brad Lidge will likely dial down his fastball from 1,200 mph, to a more hittable 97 mph, and maybe even walk a few batters to make things interesting. First baseman Ryan Howard will only hit a home run with nobody on base. And he won't be using a bat - just his fists and forearms - to hit his mammoth, towering moon shots.

These guys have a strong sense of honor and fairness, after all.

I guess if I were as good as the Phillies, I'd have trouble not crushing my opponents like so many ants. I'd run up the score. I'd embarrass them. Things would get ugly.

Maybe that's why the Phillies keep ignoring my yearly draft eligibility notices. If their management is reading this:

I'll be declaring myself eligible for the 2009 MLB amateur draft. Your consideration is always appreciated. I'd make a kickass utility infielder. Or I could sweep up the bullpen after the games. I'd be honored to be part of your super-sweet organization.

Anyway, I'll be watching my Phightin' Phils as my tear their way through the post season - I'll flip back to CNN during commercial breaks.

They'll make it look easy, because it is for them. Mets fans, don't lament. You were beaten by a far superior race of baseball players.

Go Phils!!

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