I Hereby Resolve to Lose a Few Pounds

Weight loss. A common New Year's Resolution.

And wouldn't you know - as I digitally flipped through the New York Times website the other day, I came across this article. It's about personal fitness, weight loss, and how it generally takes much longer than 6 weeks to go from flabby like a side of bacon, to lean like a turkey drumstick. And in order to lose the weight, you really can't eat either bacon or turkey drumsticks.

The point is, there is no such thing as quick and easy weight loss. You can't just exercise 20 minutes a day, 3 days a week, and expect to get ripped in a matter of weeks.

Lose 50 pounds in 50 days, with Ultra-Easy Fat Blaster Supreme! Apparently, tan skin weighs much less than lily-white skin. Neither photo is me, by the way.

Suffice it to say, I didn't read the article very carefully, so I may be missing the real point. However, the gist of the article, in my opinion, is that I should try to lose 100 pounds in 9 months - like one of the guys who was featured in the article for some reason or another. I guess it was because he knows the reporter, or something like that. I mean, how hard could it be to lose 100 pounds?

My only concern about this plan is borne of simple math. I weigh about 180 pounds. If I lost 100, I'd then weigh 80 pounds. At my current height - about 6 feet - that would make me dangerously thin - maybe even too light for Earth's gravitational pull to affect me. Also, I'd probably be dead.

Let's forget about math for a while - as I've been known to say whenever challenged or confronted with real-world problems. Rather, let's just allow this to serve as a thought experiment.

How would I go about losing 100 pounds, like the guy from the New York Times article? How does one lose more than half one's weight?

That's easy.

Surgery. Lots and lots of surgery.

Remove all non-vital, redundant, heavy organs such as the spleen, right lung, left kidney, gall bladder, regular bladder, and legs. Remove one half of the brain - the other half will not grow to fill the empty space, but it will get twice as smart to compensate for the missing half. Finally, the most obvious surgical weight-loss procedure of them all: liposuction.

Add it all up and I'm already down 30 or 40 pounds, with practically no effort at all. Shed another 60 or 70 more, and I will have reached my goal.

A few more ideas:

- Shave head and body hair. Wax all hard to reach places.
- Cut finger and toenails VERY, VERY short.
- Frequent bloodletting and/or leeches.
- Replace bones with lightweight titanium or PVC pipe.

That's another 10 or 15 pounds right there. Now, just lose 50 pounds or so, and I'll be there.

But here's the hard part, and the reason why significant weight loss is so overrated. I'd have to change my diet AND participate in some form of regular exercise in order to lose any more weight. According to my plan, I've already removed my legs and half my internal organs, and I'm only halfway towards my goal.

As my own personal trainer and weight loss consultant, I'm not at all happy with myself. This plan sucks.

Alternatively, I may just stick to The Perfect Pushup, the occasional jog, slightly less beer, and a low-carb, protein-packed diet of beef jerky and canned tuna.

Did I say I'd lose 100 pounds? I'm pretty sure I meant ounces.

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