Inaugural Excitement

Are you as excited for the Inauguration as I am?

Probably not. Because that would make you insanely excited - unfit to hold down a job until after January 20th, and unable to keep your pants dry.

Okay fine. Maybe I’m being just a wee bit sarcastic. But still, it is a momentous occasion in our nation’s history, and I for one will have my DVR set to record, for posterity’s sake. In case no one else records it.

Questions abound:

What will Michelle wear?

Will Barack use his middle name during the oath?

Will Bush hand over the keys to the White House snack bar?

Will Hillary fly into an envious rage, and snatch Barack bald before a crowd of millions?

The answers: Vera Wang. Yes. No. Yes.

The next and final question is: How amazing will Obama’s speech be?

Expectations are high, to say the least. If he doesn’t reveal the meaning of life, confess that he’s actually a Cylon, or divulge the whereabouts of Amelia Earhart then the speech will be a disappointment. I can assure you.

If most of the lines don’t rhyme, or it’s not in perfect iambic pentameter, then we’ll be in for a rough 4 years. Fox News will have a field day: “Barack Hussein flushes inaugural address down the drain, along with America’s chances for survival.”

Millions of eyes will be watching him. And thousands of ears will be listening - most people at home will have their sets on mute, or will be listening to Britney on their iPods. Many Americans will be able to read Barack’s lips though. And if they can, they’ll see words like “hope,” “change,” and “college football playoff system.” There will probably be an “economy,” and maybe a “Joe Biden” or two thrown in for good measure.

And just as Abraham Lincoln stated so eloquently in his second inaugural: “…be it this time so gracious that we extend our reach to the very mouth of Heaven, and preface the freedom cherished in the hearts of our forebears, so that this blessed union of state and man may once again thrive under a golden sun of brotherhood. Go Eagles!!”

Lincoln wore this stylish green taffeta bowtie from Kenneth Cole during his second inaugural address. Hardly anyone remembered the actual speech.

So too will Barack Obama end his speech thusly:

“We’ve reached the threshold of change. The hope we’re seeking is just through that golden door. From a tiny town in Kansas, to the rolling hills of Ohio, to the bright lights of Chicago, we’ve made this journey together - through the light and the darkness, the wind and the rain, the sleet of discontent, and the hail of adversity. It’s now our choice to move forward as we would. To reach for that ring of lasting hope and establish ourselves, once again, as that shining beacon for all the world to follow ahead – onward to the triumph of the ages. Go Eagles!!”

Obama recently won an honorary Heisman for being awesome. He holds tyranny and intolerance at arm's length - thus giving them "The Heisman" every day of his life.

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