To Plan a Wedding, Part 1 – It’s the Open Bar, Stupid!

This may or may not be a short-lived series of posts.

If you’re a regular reader of this site (both of you know who you are – three-letter names, both palindromes; one of you gave birth to me; the other one is a man whom I lived with for my entire childhood and is married to the first one) then you’d know that Jaimi and I are engaged.

It turns out that this doesn’t just mean I had to drop a bunch of dough to freeze that little ring finger of hers with some serious ice - it's a wonder she doesn't get frostbite.

There’s also a big party to plan.

In fact, Jaimi and her Mom already took care of much of the difficult and dangerous work. We have the venue, the caterer, etc. Hell, Jaimi even has her dress. We still need to procure a skilled and financially stable photographer who does it just for the love of art – or something like that. And an economical, yet totally awesome band comprised mostly of precocious, angsty teens who’ll perform for nothing more than a taste of the open bar.

And speaking of open bar, that’s the most important piece of the entire affair. Keep in mind, Jaimi is something of a teetotaler, and I only really drink when my manhood is challenged - during football games, hunting trips, and Gossip Girl marathons - but I think we’d both agree that our guests will REQUIRE a fully stocked, premium, top-shelf, no tips allowed, open bar.

We may even have vodka ice flumes, and a separate martini bar with all the fixins.

The other option is to have the wedding sponsored by p.i.n.k. vodka – the only ultra-smooth, imported, premium vodka flawlessly infused with caffeine and guarana. That way, the party would last into the wee hours of the morning. Of course, I’ll be asleep by 11pm. And Jaimi will probably be asleep by 9. But remember, it’s all about the guests. And we want them - first and foremost - to have a great time.

And to that end, I would gladly sell out and make the wedding a big advertisement for liquor - if it meant massive amounts of discounted/free booze, and free glow-in-the-dark party favors for everyone.

But this is not a decision to be taken lightly. Jaimi , myself, and both sets of parents (no, we’re not related!) will have to weigh our options carefully - although the full sponsorship route is sounding more and more appealing by the minute.

Now it’s time to think about the rest of the wedding entertainment – band, caricaturist, mime, jugglers, mechanical bull, etc.

A wedding is not complete without a motorized cow of some sort.

The motto of this party is going to be “kick boredom’s ass!” That’s why the mechanical bull is such a crucial component.

More to follow…..

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