Wishing I Was the Verizon Wireless Guy

I can hear him now.

He’s probably lounging in a hot tub, sipping champagne with supermodels somewhere in the Rocky Mountains – all on Verizon’s dime. Suffice it to say, he’s got the new Blackberry Storm, and some as-of-yet-unreleased Japanese cell phone that uses laser beams to drive your car while you talk on it.

He’s one of the most recognizable faces in advertising, and is not nearly as obnoxious as the Dell dude, or as egregiously bland as Jared from Subway.

The fortunes of the largest cell phone company on the continent rest on his supple and well-massaged shoulders. If he were to quit, Verizon would be in ruins. Their marketing campaign would be shot to hell, and they’d be forced to lay off tens of thousands of employees, and shutter hundreds of Verizon Wireless retail outlets and kiosks. Piercing Pagodas would likely take their places in malls across the nation.

That’s not economic stimulus we can believe in.

So important, yet I never even knew the guy’s name – until I looked him up on Wikipedia.

And so, Mr. Paul Marcarelli - aka the Verizon Wireless Dude - I salute you and your horn-rimmed specs for some incredible advertising longevity. I’m not sure how you’ve lasted so long. I bet by now, you can portray that role in your sleep.

I only hope that you renegotiated your contract before the current downturn really kicked the shit out of our economy.

Anyway, in many ways I wish I were you – albeit I’m mostly interested in the Verizon gig. Your personal life could be an utter disaster for all I know. But even if you’re addicted to gambling, porn, heroin, and shopping, and haven’t spoken to your parents or siblings in 15 years, that Verizon thing must be a totally sweet deal.

Once again, congratulations. I don’t know if you deserve it, but I haven’t read anything on the internet about you being a jerk – so you’re probably an okay guy.

In closing, I only ask that if/when you get tired of being the Verizon guy, you’d give me a heads-up. I have an amazing high-concept idea wherein – you guessed it - I would be the new Verizon guy.

I wouldn’t say “Can you hear me now?” I wouldn’t even mention “Verizon.” Rather, I would be filmed playing with puppies while some guy in the background makes a call on his cell phone. It would be unclear whether or not he’s a Verizon customer, but the puppies would be cute, and my hair would be perfect.

I would play with puppies- while collecting a hefty paycheck - in order to indirectly increase Verizon's sales.

This is but a sampling of my marketing genius.

I await your signal. You may direct Verizon to send the contract directly to me, as I currently have no agent, believe it or not.

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