Best Bargains Since October 1929

If there’s a bright side to the financial crisis, and the impending worldwide economic collapse, it’s that many great bargains can now be found on luxury items (high-end autos, watches, and clothing) and non-luxury items (notebook paper, creamed corn, and beermats) throughout cyberspace.

This is because everyone’s scared shitless, and they all want to hoard all the cash they can before the apocalypse. “It’s just a matter of time,” they say.

They very well might be right. But even so, why not shop for some spectacular deals as you await the Four Horsemen - and the lies, violence, famine, and disease they shall leave in their wake?

First and foremost, I suggest you visit eBay and Craigslist on a regular basis. These sites provide an excellent forum for the most desperate, frightened, and irrational individuals to hock their wares. The best deals are usually for expensive things that people bought right before the economy really went to shit – so anything bought in spring/summer 2008 is often very lightly used and still in style.

Baby sealskin gloves? Retail price of $850 in August 2008. You can have them now for $100.

Solid gold caviar dish? Retail price $3300 in April 2008. Used twice, but only once for caviar. The other time it held the owner’s tears as his stock portfolio turned to dust. On sale now for $300.

How does a Tiffany and Co. gem-encrusted iPod case sound? Pretty damn good, I bet. Purchased in July 2008 (custom special-order, as a birthday gift for a Wall Street titan’s 19 year-old mistress) for $22,000, this unopened item is now on sale for $2500.

Astute shoppers may also find unexpected bargains in high-end brick and mortar stores – especially those located in the wealthiest neighborhoods. Take that ultra chic boutique that where employees eyed you suspiciously if you even got near the door. You never actually went in, because the cheapest thing they sold was a $600 Vera Wang keychain.

Well, they need your business now. BAD. They will kiss your shoes; they will give you a back rub; they will wash your car for God’s sake – if you’ll only take a look around the store, and pretend that you might be interested in buying something. And if you’re willing to plunk down 50 bucks for that $600 keychain, then it’s yours.

So, smart shoppers, keep your eyes open for the bargain of all bargains. Whatever you’ve always wanted – but never thought you could afford – can probably be found somewhere for 80% off the original retail price.

A recent example, although it’s not exactly a high end boutique - I recently bought a $170 pair of pants from Banana Republic for 20 bucks. No shit. I didn’t know they made $170 pants, but at least I got them for almost 90% off.

Take it from me: Wall Street profits from 2004 through 2008 may have been imaginary, but these incredible deals are the real thing!!

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