F U Time Warner Cable

4:12 PM, Sunday April 12, 2009:

I write this post as a man completely disconnected from the world. For once, the real-time nature of my blog posts is shrouded in uncertainty – my internet connection is dead as a doorpost, and neither I nor Time Warner have the slightest clue as to when I’ll be back online.

To make matters worse – as if that were possible, considering the baby-bottle-like security that the internet provides me - the cable TV is out.

So, upon our return from sunny Florida, and a happy few days with Jaimi’s folks (thanks Et and Sandy!!), we arrive at the apartment only to confront modern man’s worst nightmare.

No internet AND no TV.

And it’s not like this is the first time it’s happened. Over the past few months I can count at least 3 or 4 other lengthy outages – all of which resulted in me being very upset, depressed, and uncomfortable. Not to mention angry.

You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Luckily, I pretty much only get angry when Time Warner Cable fucks up my day.

It’s perfectly understandable for telecom and networking equipment to break down from time to time. That shit’s bound to happen with any type of frequently used equipment – high-tech or otherwise. Even Hondas blow a gasket every 250,000 miles or so.

And if it breaks once, shouldn’t you be able to fix it so it doesn’t break again two weeks later? And then again 3 weeks after that?

At the very least, Time Warner – for God’s sake I beg you – just give me some damn idea of when the problem might be fixed. Ballpark is fine. A four hour window? This fucking cable’s been out since 9pm last night – according to the nice gentleman from the Time Warner helpdesk. And there’s no ETA as to when it might be fixed.

Now, I’m no network engineer. And I mostly believe that internet and TV signals are pushed into our apartment by elves riding unicorns, pushing pure rainbow-colored beams of information and entertainment along microscopic highways of joy. That’s where the term “information superhighway” comes from, I reckon. But still, it really seems like they should have this fixed by now. Surgeons could have performed 4 heart-lung transplants by now, with the patients comfortably resting in recovery and beginning their rehab – perhaps even stretching out for a game of tennis by now.

So why can’t this internet/cable problem be fixed?

All I know is this: first thing I’m gonna do when that internet is fixed, is go and look for another service provider. Verizon FiOS? RCN Cable? Compuserve? Smoke signals?

Anything sounds better than Time Warner right about now.

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