The Most Dangerous Magnets in the World – Only Fifty Bucks

So I came across this website that sells various sorts of scientific equipment to the general public. Among many other interesting, dangerous, and frightening items they sell are extremely, mind-bendingly powerful neodymium magnets.

But the simple fact that they sell such powerful magnets is not really the most entertaining aspect of this story. Rather, the profuse warnings offered on the site - vividly describing the potential dangers of these magnets - are where the action’s at.

For example:

“THESE ARE ABSOLUTELY NOT TOYS AND CAN BE VERY DANGEROUS! KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN! THESE MAGNETS CAN EASILY CRUSH FINGERS!”

Well, I’m still not totally sold on whether or not I’d like to purchase some of these magnets. I mean, come on. How dangerous could they possibly be?

“Of all the unique items we offer for sale, we consider these items the most dangerous of all.”

Oh really? Now I’m intrigued. My wallet is on the desk, and my Mastercard is peeking out from its special hiding place. Tell me more. Did I already mention:

“THESE ARE ABSOLUTELY NOT TOYS AND CAN BE VERY DANGEROUS! KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN! THESE MAGNETS CAN EASILY CRUSH FINGERS!”

Now we’re talking. I’m looking for something that’s so dangerous, children can’t get anywhere near it. If they do, who knows what’s bound to happen. Wait a minute. According to the website, here’s what might happen:

“A small child recently lost his hand when his father left two # 31 supermagnets unattended. The child picked one up and when he approached the other magnet on a nearby table, it became airborne and obliterated his small hand.”

YES!!! I’m sold.

I’d like to order a pallet of these magnets, please. Or maybe a whole tractor trailer. What’s that? You can sell me an entire cargo ship of these things?!?!?

AWESOME!

If you think this thing looks safe, you'd be wrong. Dead wrong. This magnet will find you and kill you, with nothing more than your email address and Facebook profile.

While I’m at it, do you have any uranium, anthrax, or live cobras? Just like super-powerful magnets, kids don’t get along with those things either.

Finally:

“Loose metallic objects and other magnets may become airborne and fly at great speed to attach themselves to these magnets. If you get caught in between the two, you can be severely injured. These magnets will crush bones in the blink of an eye.”

I guess my only question would be – after I’ve purchased a boatload of these magnets – what the fuck do I do with them? They’re too dangerous to handle. Kids can’t get within a mile of them. Dogs could be instantly crushed by their presence. Adults must obey their ultimate power, and bow down before them. They will instantly erase any computer’s hard drive…..

Wait a minute! They could hurt my iPhone!!!!!!

Forget it. I’m not interested anymore.

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