The Newest iPhone

When you heard the news about the next iteration of the iPhone, were you: Excited? Disappointed? Angry? Satisfied? Carefree and bra-less? In the middle of something more important, like cleaning the fuzz out of your hairdryer?

Or were you just trying to rationalize why you need to trade in your old, first-generation, stone-age iPhone in order to get a new one?

If you’re anything like me – which I hope you’re not, for my sake, as I can often be self-loathing – then you spent the hours after the new iPhone’s announcement rationalizing the upgrade. I mean come on, the new one has a compass. I NEED a compass in my cell phone. It’s about goddam time somebody crammed a compass into a phone, if you ask me.

And so, I placed an order for the compass-containing, faster-than-Hermes, smarter-than-Athena iPhone 3GS. And while we’re on the Greek gods references, can we all just admit that Steve Jobs is the Zeus of the technology world? An unseen force, firing thunderbolts of ingenuity and user-friendliness from his mountaintop palace.

Furthermore, you don’t have to camp out for 72 hours in order to get the new iPhone. You can order it online and they’ll mail it to you – or knowing Apple, they’ll figure out a way to email it to you. It’ll be delivered on June 19th, so I’ll have to wait until then to see the actual method of delivery.

Did I need to get a new phone? Does my life require downloads at 3G speeds, and 32 gigabytes of storage? Did I mention the new iPhone has a compass?

No, no, and yes. But one fantastic way to rationalize the expense is that I can probably sell my old iPhone for pretty close to what the new one costs. Apparently, the old one can be “jailbroken” which means that you can hack into the system and opne up the phone for use on any GSM cell phone network. Or, it contains a large amount of gold within its circuitry. I’m not sure.

In any case, it’s somewhat valuable to certain people on eBay. And so, on eBay it shall go. Unless one of you wants to buy it. You will get special Mill pricing and free shipping. The special pricing may be higher or lower than you’d pay elsewhere, but it will be very very special – it will be converted from US dollars into Israeli shekels, then into drachma, then into rinminbi, then back into US dollars.

Anyway, I’ll have a full review of the new iPhone when it arrives via whatever futuristic method Apple deems appropriate.

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