2009 Major League Baseball Home Run Derby – Why Did I Watch It? And Is There Any Way to Get Those Two Hours of My Life Back?

The fans in attendance didn’t even watch the whole thing. So why is it, then, that I felt compelled to watch well over an hour of grown men swinging large, hard bats, at small leather balls? Over and over and over again.

It’s akin to watching your brother play video games, as if it’s some kind of spectator sport. Jaimi, I am talking to you.

Go read a book, for God’s sake!! And that’s what I should have done.

The home runs count for nothing. It’s batting practice, with 20 million other mindless fans watching. And when I say “other mindless fans,” I of course mean in addition to myself. And when I say “fans” I mean “fucks.” Because I am to blame for my own behavior. And it was stupid behavior, and I regret it.

It's worse than watching "The Real Housewives of New Jersey." In other words, I learned less from the Home Run Derby, and did not improve as much as a human being and citizen of this planet, as I would have had I watched 2 hours of The Housewives. They, at least, teach me how not to decorate a mansion, and how to act like a spoiled bitch - in case I need to know in a future life.

As for the Derby, I can never get that time back. It’s gone for good. I could have done laundry, washed dishes, read 20 pages of a book, showered and shaved. I could have even baked a quiche. And what a delicious quiche it would have been. Mushroom Broccoli Fontina.

But alas, I can’t reclaim those precious minutes. The only thing I can do is swear to myself – and my readers – that I won’t watch the Home Run Derby again next year. Let’s take it one year at a time.

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