The Mill’s Healthcare Reform Plan

Most people are pretty healthy. It’s the handful of sick folks who ruin it for everyone else, and cause healthcare costs to spiral out of control.

Of course, even if you’re healthy now, you never know when you or a loved one may be laid low by rickets, or inconvenienced by a goiter the size of a basketball. And it’s in these cases when you really need some healthcare. Unfortunately, you can’t just wait until that goiter swells to the size of a softball before signing up for an insurance policy.

You see, the insurance companies are in it to make as much money as humanly possible – which is a whole hell of a lot. So if they only insured sick people, they would be a charity and not a business. I understand, and accept this as a fact of life. If there wasn’t money to be made, then the health insurance industry would not exist.

But why can’t we give healthy people some cheap policies, and allow them to upgrade as they age, have kids, or come down with a touch of diabetes? Why can’t we give healthy, stallion-like college kids a pack of dental floss and a box of band-aids and call it a healthcare plan? That’s all they’re really gonna need anyway.

A sliding scale of healthcare. The healthiest folks pay something – not much – but just enough to offset the small number of really sick people that require incredibly expensive treatments - like gender reassignment and hair transplants.

And poor people…Well, poor people would pay even less. Because they’re so poor. The poorer you are the less you pay. If you’re a healthy, young poor person, why you’ll pay next to nothing. But if you get hit by a cab, you’re still covered.

You might be wondering, “How do the insurance companies still make all that money if poor people and healthy people are paying very little for healthcare policies?” Won’t the insurance companies just say “Fuck it!” and get involved in Green Energy?

Not if the Federal Government threatens to put them in jail if they don’t agree to provide coverage for everyone. Or alternatively, if extra tax dollars are directed their way in order to keep them profitable. So yes, in a way you may have to pay a little extra out of each paycheck so that poor people who live in the same goddamn city as you can have a little bit of healthcare insurance. It’s the civilized thing to do. Get used to it.

Don’t be an asshole.

And you’ll wait in line for a new liver just like everyone else.

But seriously, I think the healthcare kit for young and healthy people is a good idea. If you pass the stringent healthy criteria: 50 bucks a year will buy unlimited dental floss, band-aids, hand sanitizer, penicillin, Tamiflu, condoms, Imodium AD, and Pepto-Bismol. All in your choice of an attractive Barack Obama lunchbox (for boys) or a cool Nancy Pelosi tote bag (for the ladies).

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