What the Hell Happened to the Summer?

I was looking at a calendar today – in order to help me organize my busy life – and it struck me down like a taser to the temple. The summer is basically over. And what do I have to show for it?

During summers past, I’ve gone on vacation and come back with a decent tan. I’ve worked odd jobs and saved up some cash. I’ve exercised like mad and gotten myself into halfway respectable shape. Why, there used to be a time when my pectorals didn’t droop, and my triceps weren’t mono-ceps.

In other words, I used to make something of my summers. But this summer has come and gone with nary a whisper of improvement or progress. I’ve spent most of my time doing what I do the rest of the year – going to work, eating, sleeping, drinking beer, and managing fantasy sports teams.

Also, I write something on this blog from time to time.

So what have I done to make this summer stand out from the rest of the year? When my grandkids ask me, “Hey Granddad Mill, what were you doing during the summer of ought nine? During the first 50-year reign of King Barack I. The famous summer that brought the loss of Michael Jackson, Billy Mays, AND Jared from Subway (sorry in advance, Jared). The summer that witnessed an embryonic phenomenon known as the iPhone, begin its rapid ascent to direct cerebral implantation, and Apple Computer’s subsequent overthrow of organized society via mind control and free wireless music downloads directly into the cerebellum.”

I’ll be left speechless – because I won’t have any stories to tell about this summer, and also because we will all be living on the moon by that time, and sound doesn’t travel well in the super-thin lunar atmosphere.

In any event, the summer is officially over in less than 2 weeks. What could I possibly accomplish between now and then that would make this summer worth remembering?

I’ve been working on a swine flu vaccine, sure. But it’s not ready yet.

I’m in touch with Kim Jong-Il about giving up the nukes. But we don’t have another playdate until October.

I’ve cured AIDS in a test tube, but accidentally dropped it in the laundry room – where I do most of my infectious disease research.

And I unified the theories of quantum mechanics and Einstein’s theories of general and special relativity in my sleep. But promptly forgot the salient points of my unified theory as soon as I woke up and realized that I had failed to record Top Chef on the DVR.

So it could have been a pretty great summer. And now time is running out. I’m afraid this may be a summer to forget.

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