Snow-mageddon 2010

(My revised forecast/weather advisory below. This one's gonna be a doozy!)


NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE: UPTON, NY
10:38 PM EST, TUESDAY FEBRUARY 9, 2010

WINTER STORM WARNING

A WINTER STORM WARNING REMAINS IN EFFECT UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

SNOW ACCUMULATES LATE THIS EVENING....WITH ACCUMULATIONS OF 2 TO 4 INCHES BY THE MORNING RUSH HOUR. THE SNOW MAY MIX WITH SLEET, ICE, AND ANGEL PISS...PISS MAY BE HEAVY AT TIMES.

SNOW WILL CONTINUE THROUGHOUT THE DAY WITH ACCUMULATION RATES OF UP TO 2 INCHES PER HOUR THROUGH MID-AFTERNOON. THIS WOULD BE THE PERFECT TIME TO BAKE COOKIES.

AS THE STORM INTENSIFIES OFF THE NEW JERSEY COAST AND SOUTHERN LONG ISLAND, A STRONG ANTI-CYCLONIC ACTION WILL CAUSE SUSTAINED CATEGORY FIVE HURRICANE-FORCE WINDS AND FREQUENT GUSTS EASILY EXCEEDING 275 MPH. TO FIND WORSE WEATHER, YOU'LL NEED TO TRAVEL TO THE GREAT RED SPOT ON JUPITER.

JUST KIDDING. THE WINDS WILL BE MUCH LESS THAN THAT, BUT YOUR GUESS IS AS GOOD AS OURS, TRUTH BE TOLD.

ALONG WITH BLIZZARD CONDITIONS, POWER OUTAGES ARE LIKELY THROUGHOUT THE AREA. IF POWER OUTAGE OCCURS IN YOUR AREA, A GOOD TIP IS TO SOAK SOME RAGS IN KEROSENE AND DUMP THEM IN AN OLD TRASH CAN, THEN SET FIRE TO THE RAGS. ALL OF THIS CAN BE DONE IN YOUR LIVING ROOM TO CREATE BOTH HEAT AND LIGHT. YOU MAY ALSO WANT TO CRACK A WINDOW IN CASE YOUR DOUCHEBAG BROTHER-IN-LAW WHO'S STAYING WITH YOU THIS WEEK FORGOT TO DO SO.

A WINTER STORM WARNING MEANS SEVERE WINTER CONDITIONS ARE EXPECTED OR OCCURRING. HEAVY SNOWFALL WILL CAUSE INCREDIBLY DANGEROUS TRAVEL CONDITIONS ON THE ROADWAYS. IF YOU DECIDE TO DRIVE, YOU WILL PROBABLY DIE. HEED OUR WARNING. ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO DISREGARD THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE. WE ARE GOD'S MOUTHPIECE. WORD TO YOUR MOTHER.

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